I open my eyes and all of a sudden one day I am 35 years old, divorced, in a new-ish relationship with a wonderful new man and absolutely nothing to truly show for my life. It’s sadly pathetic and highly disappointing. I naively thought I would have accomplished something by now. Funny how life has played out so completely different than what you had hoped for. I keep thinking about how my life went from being a life of security, stability, and certainties, to a life of uncertainties and insecurities and instabilities at every corner. I feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of dirt as the universe continues to pile mounds of dirt, soil, and grass on top of me as if to prepare me for an inevitably early grave. If it’s any surprise to anyone my life has come to this point, it comes to no one greater than myself. Truth be told, I brought all of this on myself.
I am so fucking frustrated I cannot see straight. I have a friend that has been my best friend for years but every time I make even the smallest mistake or cannot keep in touch with him, he throws me under the bus and brings up all my past mistakes with him and makes me feel like I will be paying for those stupid mistakes for the rest of my life. I CANNOT STAND it when people want to bring up my past mistakes just so they can make a point. I never rub people’s past mistakes in their faces. I never once bring them up again. They are forgiven and forgotten. Yes, I still beat myself up constantly over what I have done in the past but I would never make someone feel like shit over something they might have done years ago. We were different people then and we are different people now. Why can’t people just let things die? I can’t keep paying for those mistakes and feeling like shit every time, making me feel like I have to constantly make it up to this person. I am so angry with this person and I want to slam everything back down his throat and tell him what a dick he is half the time to people and how incredibly negative and synical he is. Hell he is almost 40 and still lives at home with his mom because he is afraid she will sue him for rent money if he leaves even a small peace of paper behind and that she can’t make it by herself. He has a daughter that he calls himself the “secondary” parent for and thinks he has no real responsibilities for except to spend two days a week with. He has never been married and wants to sleep with anything with tits and a vagina that walks by. I just can’t do it anymore. He makes me crazy and makes me feel constantly guilty about everything in my life. I’m done. Once and for all, I have completely had enough.
It has been a very long while since I last posted and for good reason I guess. Maybe. I don’t know at this point. Chris and I finally got the hell out of Washington State on April 1 of this year and were PCS’ed by the Army back to our original duty station of Fort Hood, Texas. If you are thinking the Army base where are the soldiers go nuts and start shooting people, you would be correct. No I’m not afraid or scared or even anxious. It just annoys the hell out of me that they let these mentally damaged people by weapons and then they go on shooting sprees and can’t tell you why after they did it.
Anyway, we are now kind of moved into our three bedroom house on the base. I say kind of because we still have a lot of unpacking and all to do not to mention I have a feeling we could lose this three bedroom house if my mother is not approved to become one of my husband’s dependants. I am almost 100% sure she will get dependency because she is mentally and physically dilapidated and cannot work, much less function in normal society anymore, as well as the fact that we finally were able to convince her to leave her raging alcoholic asshole of a husband. Trust me, that took years. It has been way past time though and I think she finally just had enough!! For now we have the bedrooms and kitchen set up as well as the living room although there are still a few boxes to attend to which I’ll probably sort through tomorrow while Chris is at his first day of work. It shouldn’t take me too long. Mom sleeps most the time and the dogs mostly stay out of the way so I’ll be able to get things done fast. I wish I could say things were happy and carefree here but it just isn’t true. Chris and I are great. It is my mother I am most worried about. She would kill me if she even knew I was posting about this but I really have no one else to talk to about it and no where else to vent. I don’t even care if anyone ever reads this or not. I just need to get it off my chest. I truly think my mom plans on killing herself soon. She keeps promising me she won’t do that to me but all she ever does is sit around outside and smoke her disgusting cigarettes and never says much, cries all the time even though she says she takes her psych meds but I kinda doubt it. She feels like she truly has no purpose here anymore so all she is doing is becoming an old woman with no worth. She used to run hospitals and could run circles around all nurses I knew and some doctors as well but now because of her dilapidated condition mentally, she can barely function anymore. I try to talk to her everyday and try to keep her mind off things and keep doing arts and crafts to decorate the new house together to make it a real home but nothing really seems to work. I really am happy she moved in with us because she was miserable staying with my sister and her husband but I don’t think she is any happier here. I take her to see her psych back in Longview in a couple days and right now I am thinking it couldn’t come soon enough. All she seems to want is to just go to sleep and never wake up again or even just falling over dead would be just fine with her. I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. It breaks my heart.
As far as school goes, I have transferred from The Art Institute to The Academy of Art University in San Francisco, California. I think I have a much better chance there for advancement as well as other opportunities and such that The Art Institute never offered. Not to mention The Art Institute is still being sued for $72 billion by the government for drafting in the low income students for the financial aid and then never giving them a chance to graduate because they can’t qualify for more financial aid or loans and they never see stipend checks. So I think in the end, The Academy of Art University will be much better suited for me. I have already won a $5,000 scholarship for the photo portfolio that I submitted so that is definitely a start. I don’t officially begin school (it is online as well) until June 6, 2014. I am completely ready. I need something to keep me busy as well as get out and meet some people and get more experience photographing people and maybe even collecting more clients. I guess over the next month we will see what comes of my life. At this point it is 50/50.
I figured since we may be moving back to Texas in a few short months, I might as well get out and endure the cold of the already chilly fall months and get as many memorable fall pictures in as I could since Texas does not have a “true” fall to speak of! I have to admit, getting out and about in DuPont, Washington really was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn’t too cold and it definitely had some inspiring photographic locations to choose from as well as some rather nice locals who seemed more than used to seeing a girl loaded down with photography gear making her way down the numerous streets desperatly trying to photogaph everything in site before the winter claimed the leaves and the colors once and for all. So with no further adue, I give you the fall in DuPont, Washington.