BPD Emo Mess

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It has been a little over a month now since I have been back to see my psychiatrist and therapist. I just cannot seem to get myself to even call the number to try to make an appointment. I just don’t feel like having to go into a long overly descriptive explanation of why I haven’t been back and what happened to make me feel this way. I know it would be better for me to be back on my meds, at least the prozac anyway. I just feel like a complete emotional mess. I over think everything. I always feel like crying or blowing up or becoming defensive over the most mundane things. Most days I hate myself and my body and my mentality. My concentration is completely shot and my writing is definitely not what it use to be. I feel constantly overwhelmed by school, trying to find a job, trying to compete with other photographers and prove to myself that I am a good photographer and trying to keep my husband happy. I never really feel happy anymore. I haven’t seen my family in almost three years now. All my friends seem happy and financially successful. All I ever see on facebook now is everyone buying houses, having babies, buying new cars, and getting ready for vacations or new life events. So far, I don’t really have anything to show for my life. I don’t have a job. I would love to have a job. I want to work with other pro photographers so I can learn from them since my schooling is online which does not give me a lot of chances for hands on experience but because of my job record and other things, I never get hired or even a chance it seems. For the most part  I spend quite a bit of time by myself. Chris works all day and then comes home and watches tv or plays computer games. We don’t have a lot of money so I can’t really take the truck a lot during the day. I barely have any friends here. The 3 I do have all have kids and for the most part, I think, see me as nothing more than just a permanent babysitter and convenient friend when they need one. Needless to say, I avoid them. I am happy that we may get to move back to Colorado at the end of this year. Chris will get to re-enlist in October and there are 20 spots available for Sgt’s alone. I really want to get back to Ft. Carson. I miss it so much. The only down side is that Chris has to go to Japan in November before we can go back to Colorado. Honestly I am envious. I would love to go to Japan. I love to travel and have always wanted to see and photograph Japan. Unfortunately though this is a training exercise and I can’t go. Besides we wouldn’t have anyone to take care of Bailey while we were away. He will only be gone for a month or so. I guess it won’t be so bad. I’m use to being by myself anyway. 

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