BPD Bipolarity Hilarity
2a.m. and once again I am not asleep. Do I even sleep anymore? Good question. Probably not but then again I can always sleep when I’m dead. Haha. I find myself browsing through blogs again tonight as the last few nights have been spent. This is my first attempt at any kind of blog and reading through some of these other blogs has me realizing that I am much less verbally eloquent than I thought. I use to be though. I use to write all the time as a child growing up. It was all I could think of, dream of and for the most part (before I ever really thought of picking up a camera in the professional sense) all I ever did. I use to lock myself in my room every day after school with nothing for company but my little green and yellow stereo I saved from a garage sell (which I considered my muse for everything) and my journals filled with beautifully blank pages just waiting for me to fill them with the on-goings of my day, the deep and meaningful thoughts of a child/preteen/teenager, or the wishful stories of another life I could only escape to in my head. I was never one for school. I always hated it. I was lucky to even graduate high school. I never understood any of the subjects except for maybe history so for the most part my nose stayed stuck in the book or recent issue of National Geographic that I was in love with at that current moment. I always figured I would go into photojournalism but unless you were in good with the different clubs, sports teams, or community then my school really had no use for you in the coveted school paper or yearbook staff.
Now as an adult I have a stronger desire and will to finally go about getting my degree in photojournalism. As of right now I am a current student at The Art Institute of Pittsburgh-Online Division. I am currently trying to obtain my Bachelor’s degree in photography/photojournalism but unfortunately life (or rather mentality) has just completely gotten in the way. When I started I was completely gung ho about it and driven and excited. I even managed to surprise the hell out of myself by becoming a straight A student. I have never considered myself to be a smart person, but yet here I was making A’s left and right. I felt great. I was so confident in myself as a student/photographer and person that I would spend up to 8 hours a day on homework because I loved it. Now, my grades are suffering because of my impulsive actions and ability to completely self-sabotage. It isn’t that I don’t want to do the work, I do. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around anything right now. I’m not even writing this post to my satisfaction because I know my writing skills use to be a million times better than they are now. I miss that person that loved spending hours and hours on homework and papers and discussion boards. I thrived on the positive attention I got from my professors and fellow peers. I know I am to blame for my downward spiral in school. I’m the one who went into a fit of anger, rage, frustration, hopelessness, and anxiety and decided that if life was just going to keep shitting on me then I was going to just flush all my meds and be done with the fight. Now because of my actions I am back to a state of mind that I feel like I just can’t comprehend anything so I spend most of my time with my headphones buried in my ears and my mind blank because as long as there is music blasting, then I can’t think of all the bad things although even that doesn’t always work.
Part of me really wants to go back to my psych and get back on my meds because in a way I really was very mentally stable when I was on them. Another part of me is completely adamant about never going back again because I don’t want to have to explain the circumstances that led to yet another breakdown and what I did and what has been going all because I know her plan of action would end up with me back in another 72 hour evaluation under very watchful eyes and perhaps lock and key. I get so sick of that.
As much as I miss being that awesome straight A student, I don’t really want to go back on lithium and Prozac. It wasn’t that I felt like a zombie or anything. I didn’t. But I was not as active as I was before I got off the meds. Lithium is a weight gainer and I always feel so tired and run down after taking my meds. Right now I am active and walking more and riding my bike and my house is spotless again. The downside to all of this, I already feel my mind trying to slip back into the massive mania I was known to go into. Honestly I loved it for a bit because I felt on top of the world and there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do. At the same time my emotions are all over the place and my empathy seems to be kicking into super gear. (One of the main reasons I am never without my headphones) I feel like a freak really. I recognize the mania setting in but at the same time I have just been so depressed and I only feel better when I rebel and get mad and let the mania run wild. It feels good but it scares me. I feel like if I don’t try to keep myself in check every day, then I will eventually lose my mind like I did when all of this truly reared its ugly head (more than likely I have always been a borderline personality/bipolar person but a person cannot legally be diagnosed as such until the age of 18 which I think is bullshit.) I know I keep commenting on different people’s blogs about certain things and I do feel like I am becoming a broken record and to those of you that I have replied to, I am sorry. I just really need somewhere to turn sometimes, someone to talk to. Someone to help me understand. ß This is not easy for me. I am not good at all at asking for help. And I’m not now. I just want to understand why this happens to people like us.